I have needed to clean out my closet for a long time. It was creeping out into the bathroom. I have been putting it off and putting it off. I thought if I went through the easy stuff, like my clothes, it would help. It did for a while, but the problem was the boxes of stuff that needed to be gone through. I knew these boxes contained hard things to see. Things that would cause tears and memories. For some reason it has been a hard few days anyway, so I decided yesterday was the day.
I first cleaned out my jewelery box. I knew there were lots of Mom things in there, and I was right. Ironically, I found a guardian angel pebble she gave me a few years ago. Tears. I found the piece of Fenton she gave me for Christmas. Tears. I found a box full of my porcelain dolls. One was the doll my Grandma gave her, and some were my Grandma's that I received when she died. My name was written on a piece of tape on the bottom of the doll. Tears. There were two doilies she had given me, one was tatted. Big alligator tears. I found a lot of pictures. Tears, but some giggling. I found things I intended to give my Mom one day. This made me think of all the unfinished business we have. Actually, I think the anticipation of finding things was harder than actually doing it. I think it was good. My Mom was the most giving person I have ever known, and now I am grateful. What a blessing to have so many memories pop up everyday in my life. Mostly, I am thankful for a nice clean closet. So clean I could sleep in there.
I also knew a day like yesterday would come. I took Gracie to the Dr. She has a cold and I knew she wasn't breathing very good. She has an ear infection and we have to start breathing treatments again or she will end up in the hospital with pneumonia. Again. The reason this is hard is because when Gracie had RSV my Mom was on a plane here to help. The medicine was in the nebulizer ready to use every time it was time for a treatment. Last year when she had pneumonia Mom told me she was on her way and I told her "No, I am fine." Man, I wished I would have told her to come. Now I wish I could call her and tell her to get here to help me. But, this is a first to get through. I am a big girl, and I can do it alone. The truth is if she were alive I wouldn't even think about needing her. I would just do it.
Sorry this is a downer post. I didn't intend for that, but kinda just started rambling. Hang on till tomorrow. I have some good pictures to post. Old ones and big hair. Thanks for listening.
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2 comments:
Hang in there. I have been having lots of "feel sorry for myself" moments the last few days. Most of it is selfish, but I want her back. I want to be able to call her, and tell her about YW, and see her in sacrament meeting while I speak, and going over Sundays and having it feel like it's home, and calling her when I have a UTI, the list goes on and on.
BUT, it's like you said, because of this, we have to act as "mom" to each other. We have to step in and fill that role. No one else can do it as good as she did, but luckily we learned from her, so we are the closest thing possible.
I miss you guys. I know that I feel this way a lot lately because I am homesick. I will be happy when we are all together again! Can't wait to see you this weekend! Love you.
Bummer about Gracie. I hope she gets better quick. I don't want her to be sick on her birthday!
And I totally know these feelings. If mom were still here, we would just do what we do, and not even think about how much we need her, because she's always just there. Now, there are all these feelings. Guilt for not being more giving back to her, sadness for missing her so much, and anticipation of seeing her again. I wonder sometimes if she can see us, and laughs at us, and cries with us. I hope she knows how much we love her. I'm pretty sure she does.
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