I don't even know what I want to write today. I want to put down how much all of this sucks, but I can't. I can't even put into words how I feel. My sister Keli can write it down beautifully, but I just can't. There is this knot in my throat all the time, and if I let it up it turns into tears. Like right now just writing about it the tears have started. I wondered how long it would take for the knot to go away, it almost had, and then realization hit again. We all knew she was sick. I knew she wasn't going to stay, but in some way I hoped time would stop for a few months and I could say everything I wanted to say, and she could teach me all that I needed to know before she went. I guess when the Oncologist explained it to us I realized that I don't have the time for all of that.
So, the question becomes, "What are the most important things?".
I think I will miss the conversations the most. It didn't matter how long she was in Vegas to visit, we could always talk. The conversation was never boring, or about the same things. We truly have the gift of gab! I hope I can remember all I have learned from those conversations.
Honestly, how can you cram a lifetime of a Mom as wonderful as mine in mere months? Even harder, how do you cram a Nunn into the lives of my kids in mere months? I pray that the Lord will bless us so that we can.
All of you ask yourselves what you would do with your Mom? Now do it before it is too late.
Am I allowed a few bad days? Days that when I am in the truck late at night when it is dark, I can cry all the way home? I don't know if I makes me feel better, or worse. Once I let myself get there, it takes days to get out of it. So, for now I am having those bad days, I think we all kinda are. And it's OK.
Summertime Sweets
6 days ago
10 comments:
Jill--I know there are no words that help in times like this, but don't forget that this is not the end. You have eternity. Your mom will be closer to you and her grandkids on the other side of the veil that she is even right now. My sister has had experiences that are beyond description with her kids and how close Barry is with her and her kids. You will feel that closeness too. You're right; you should enjoy what matters most. But don't forget that what seems like forever will be a but a blip. Remember: D&C 130:2 and 122:5-9. These always help me. Keep on keepin' on. That's all you can do. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. --Andrew
Jill, you are the greatest. Thanks for all that you do, we couldn't do this without you.
Jill, I wish there was some way to help ease the pain and heart ache for you! Know we love you and keep praying ofr your whole family- and the good thing is the bad days don't last forever!
I have started visiting all of you and your siblings blogs, and just read yours. Jill you are amazing and trust me tears are cathartic. If you have to drive your truck somewhere once or twice a day to have a good cry in secret, DO IT!! If you need to have a good cry and you don't want to do it in secret, but dont want everyone else to feel sad too, come on over, I'll give you a big hug and feed you chocolate! You know where I live.
This has made me ask myself many questions about my family. Am I doing enough, asking enough, loving enough? It's been a reality check for me. Big time!
I think the worse times to deal with the pain is when you are alone, usually late at night or when you can't sleep and it's quiet and no one else is awake. I know it's hard to cry all the time and it can be so exhausting to do it, but sometimes it does make you feel better. Do whatever you need to do. You are entitled. You can call me anytime. I am awake late at night, often. Hang in there!
Jill, my heart goes out to you. It is so wonderful that you have such a great family to get through all of this together. I can't imagine how hard this is. You have reminded me to make each moment count. We are praying for you too. We love you!!!
Z's
Jill, you were able to write very beautiful things as well. I am so sorry for everything that you and your family are going through. I really can't imagine the mix of emotions that you must be feeling. To know that your mother will be leaving this earthly life soon brings so much sorrow but to KNOW and have this time together must bring some thankfulness for the time as well. We are thinking of you as well and I hope that you can feel some comfort and peace at this time.
Most important things-
Time together now, talking sharing stories and memories, recipies for the future made in honor of grandma. her testimony and a personalized message for what she wants you to know recorded on audio or video, a blanket she had on her bed or one she made for you to wrap around you when you miss her, visits to the temple so you can feel close to the Lord and reaffirm your testimony of eternal families.
Jill, we love you and want to help comfort you. I know you are in Utah right now, but if there is anything I can do here in Las Vegas now or when you get back, I want to help. Give Aunt Paula a kiss for me.
Jill we love you.
Jill - My advice is go to the temple, and also get a blessing. I know this seems like the worst time of your life, but if you let the spirit take hold you will begin to see life for what it really is and the spirit will show and make you feel the most wonderful things. It's one of those things you don't ever wish upon someone. But they are amazing experiences that you would other wise not have. I love and miss you so much! Also, cry anytime, its not bad too, it's necessary and normal its how you release those feelings that you are having. Please call me anytime. 1 more day till girls camp and I will be normal again. But you and I both Know my life will really ever be normal. Love ya, Jill
Lani
Post a Comment